Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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