oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I deserve this hangover.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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