Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
