I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
