he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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