JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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