remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize