That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
