i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
