I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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