I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
