just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize