i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
