Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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