she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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