dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
