Small penises have feelings too.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
