OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
