omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
