did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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