This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
