It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize