if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
