Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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