i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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