Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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