Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
