is your mom at the bar?
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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