Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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