I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
