i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
