when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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