i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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