not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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