the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize