so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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