is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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