I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think my vagina is haunted
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
