Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
