Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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