I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
