I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
