I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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