youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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