I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
