Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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