you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This is classic penis vs brain.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
