she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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