I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
