I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Operation Purity has been aborted
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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