If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my phone needs a breathalizer
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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