Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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