exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
