We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
