No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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