There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
