I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
